“Acknowledging fear is not a cause for depression or discouragement. Because we possess such fear, we also are potentially entitled to experience fearlessness. True fearlessness is not the reduction of fear; but going beyond fear.” ~Chogyam Trungpa in Shambhala: the Path of the Warrior
One of the most interesting things that I’ve noticed in the years I’ve been doing therapy is how each of us has a tendency to recreate that which we are trying to avoid altogether. In trying to avoid what we fear, we back into it, and find our actions have somehow recreated the very scenario we were trying to avoid. Like a bad dream, we see our fear up ahead on the road, and start backing away from it, only to back right into it:
- People with addictions are sometimes so terrified of being thought of as an addict that they won’t seek treatment – and the addiction grows
- Someone who is unhappily employed may be afraid of not being able to find a satisfying job – so they stay in their current position, dissatisfied.
- A person afraid of their angry feelings vows to be peaceful at any cost, and ends up seething with resentment.
Backing away from fear doesn’t seem to work. Standing still doesn’t seem to work either. Fear grows in proportion to how much energy we put into ignoring it. The more we side step our fear, the more it grows, and as it grows, so does our desire to ignore it until – wham! – we back right into it, and can no longer avoid it.
Counseling is an opportunity to slowly move towards the fear, to explore it, to develop a healthy curiosity about it. Just as ignoring fear somehow gives the fear energy, moving towards the fear eventually leads to a lessening of its power over us, and confidence – fearlessness – begins to grow. Not only does the fear dissipate, we may actually discover that underneath it there is wisdom.